By Vince Van Patten
Okay, I’m back with more bones to pick I suppose. Spending so much of my life on the World Poker Tour and in and out of hotels and casinos, I was thinking what I’d do differently if I ran the hotel and casino to make it perfect for the customer!
If I ran a casino, here are things that would happen to make my guests happier in the hotel department.
Welcome to Van Patten’s Hotel and Casino, where winners win and losers are so happy they won’t notice the difference!
Welcome! Go ahead and self-park, but for free! Unusual these days. Let a man keep his own wheels! Valet parking if desired of course, but with just tips! No charge!
Room check-in. I would make it faster! One really quick line, of course! And you’d get one free drink at the bar if you waited longer than five minutes before you’re serviced. A shot clock will be installed!
Elevators. I would make the elevators really fast and abundant! There would be some great music playing (not too loud). Of course, a TV with funny entertainment, clips from best shows, (Seinfeld, WPT, Gilligan’s Island) to get you laughing before you blow your money!
The rooms. I’d keep it simple, stupid. Bright lights if desired, adjustable to dim to black out afternoons when needed. Great clickers for TV with extra strong batteries! Germ wipes to clean off all potentially infected areas! Great mini-bar fully stocked, but not a fragile one where if you put your pinky on a random item you get charged the price of the rib eye at Outback Steakhouse!
There would also be free bottled water in every corner, and lots of bottle openers strewn about with reckless abandon!
At Van Patten’s, the soaps in the bathrooms would be wrapped, of course, but much easier to pry open! You wouldn’t have to be a safecracker to figure out how to dislodge the goods.
Bathrooms with doors! What a concept! You would think that would be a constant, but not these days! At Van Patten’s, you get doors in your bathrooms. Complete privacy from your loved ones, or that gambling flunky roommate that’s tagging along!
Great showers. The ones that spray from one nozzle in an old fashioned position! That’s what you’ll get at my hotel/casino! Spread the word!
I’d also have superior “Do not disturb” signs that never wobble off and slip in the middle of the night or when you shut the door thank you very much!
Room service, a great luxury. And it would be incredibly fast! I’d never have a person on hold or talk to a machine, or play horrible “Muzak” while waiting. They’d pick up the phone instantly. A real human being and your food would be up there before you could say carrot top!
Your room service tip would be included, 20 percent you big spender! There would be no other silly fees and taxes! No service person would expect any other possible extra gratuities! Forbidden! no guilt, please!
At Van Patten’s Hotel and Casino, each room would have a balcony to ponder life on, or at least windows that open wide that could give you some fresh air if need be.
We’d also have a top of the line thermostat that is so simple to understand, a four-year-old could be able to make it cold or warm in the luxury abode.
You’d also have self-closing curtains but you’d have an option to do so manually! How about that?! You could just draw the curtains with a rope the old-fashioned way and keep it simple if you want to get crazy!
Yes at Van Patten’s H0tel and Casino everything is hassle free the way your stay should be.
So there are a few of my ideas on how to run the hotel to perfection! Hotel management, please feel free to steal them.
Till next time, play loose and bluff on the river!